Sunday, June 24, 2012

Female Celebrities and Fictional Characters Who Would Be My Friend If They Really Knew Me

There are a few famous females who if they had the opportunity to get to know me, I believe would truly enjoy being my friend in real life.

In no particular order, here are the sisters of my traveling pants club.

Kaitlin Olson - Sweet Dee from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Days would start out pretty simple. We'd share a few beers and follow it up with some more beer. Then, it'd be lunch time so we'd chat about how to spend the rest of our day. That's when we would decide to recreate a scene from Sex and the City or plan a road trip to the Grand Canyon in an RV we “borrow” from the neighbors.

Kristin Wiig - SNL Star and Face of Bridesmaids
Kristin and I would bond over our mutual ability to dance like we're performing next to Charlie Chaplin. I'd like to believe we would just spend our time doing a lot of dance dares. (Not familiar with dance dares? See pure awesomeness here).

Mindy Kaling - Writer and Cast Member for The Office
Mindy and I would spend the majority of our hang out sessions shopping and commenting on each others clothes. I'd tell her how pretty she looks in that dress and she'd tell me what it's like working with John Krasinski and not being able to grab his butt while shooting.

Cindy Chupack - Television Writer best known for her work on Sex and the City 
Cindy would be considered my “lady friend.” (Lady friend is a term my mother uses to describe a relationship between an adult woman and another woman old enough to be her mother. My moms lady friend is Anne. She's 92. They watch Mary Tyler More together).

My lady friend would be Cindy and we'd meet for brunch at outdoor restaurants in NYC. We'd always order a glass of some-adult-festive-beverage because that's just how me and my lady friend roll. Then, I'd listen to Cindy describe her recent trip out to LA. Her stories consistently shed advice into my twenty something soul. Sometimes at lunch, she'll ask to review one of my stories I've been working on. She provides insightful comments and articulates how to transform dialogue to make it sound more realistic. Inbetween reading, she makes a snarky comment about middle aged men who sext. She's such great lady friend. 

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

A "That Time of The Month" Letter

Dear PMS lady,

A few things to keep in mind over the next few days...

It's not really that sad. It's just a commercial. 

If you must yell, do it alone in the car to no one but yourself. You'll be happy for that choice tomorrow.

You are the only one loosing sleep over how you treated people today. The women in your life understand and the men probably didn't notice. If they did, just be extra nice to them tomorrow. Men get over things more quickly than we do and won't hold it against you. Unless you keyed his car. He might hold that against you. 

It's normal to feel like an emotional zombie. 

It may seem like it's the end of the world because someone ate your dessert or your internet isn't working. Try to realize that these are not life shattering events. It's hard to put anything into perspective now but in a few days you'll see more clearly. I promise.  

In the meantime, try to exercise, get plenty of sleep, enjoy hot showers, and for the love of God avoid all Lifetime movies. You will only sob realizing your love life blows. Plus, the fact that the pretty lady usually, always gets murdered will leave you fearing for your life. It's one of the few emotional roller coasters we can avoid this week. 

Aunt Flo

Sunday, June 17, 2012

A Fathers Day Note

Dear Dad,

I've always heard it's a girls dad who sets the bar for what kind of man she'll fall in love with. As I navigate through the dating world, I feel confident knowing I've already had a man in my life for 24 years who has demonstrated to me the type of man I will end up with. 

I know I will be with a man who is respectful and kind toward me. He'll be ambitious and hard working. He will put his family first. He will show how he loves me through his actions. He will make jokes that expose everyday situations with more humor and less seriousness. He'll show up to the important events and be there to listen and enjoy my stories. He'll believe in me, support me, and give me straightforward and valuable advice.

He'll be a great father because I chose to be with someone who reminded me of my dad.

I know he'll be a lot of great things because of you, but I'm coming to terms with the fact that he may not be as good of a dancer. I guess we simply can't have it all...

Friday, June 15, 2012

The Shopping Cart

I had a call with a client today. She made a comment to me. She said, “You just seem like a very zen and centered person.”

I personally would not use those words to describe myself. Though, I do strive for these things, I find it's a practice. It's an effort made to try and become a more balanced and better person than I was yesterday. Every day is a new opportunity to become a better person. It's a chance to become a better version of yourself.

Which, leads me to the shopping cart. It's inevitable. I cruise through the Kroger parking lot and pass by a prime parking spot because a lonesome cart is already occupying the space. I'm a huge advocate of returning your cart to its rightful cart corral. Perhaps it's the karma believer in me. If I leave a cart to create damage, one day I will ultimately get dinged.

Though, I've recently transcended past just the fear of receiving bad juju when inspired by a friend and fellow cart corralling enthusiast.

It's about leaving a place a little bit better than you found it,” he said.

It's so simple I thought. By not returning that cart, you are taking one quick action that has strong potential to negatively impact a persons day. 

How often do haphazardly ditched carts avoid hitting cars, not occupy perfectly good parking spots, and make grocery store employee's work easier?

Walk the few extra steps to put your cart back in its designated area. It's not about the cart. It's about being a better person; in its simplest form. Okay, and it's also about the cart. Seriously man, just put it back. 

Monday, June 11, 2012

Tips On How To Be The Leading Male in Any Romantic Comedy


1. Dress Like a College Guy
You are 33 years old, single, and in an established career which pays enough for you to afford that shoe factory turned modern loft. Regardless of your established lifestyle, you should look like you just finished studying for a midterm.

2. Spontaneously Sing Songs You Supposedly Don't Recognize
Be able to bust into ironically bad songs. Do this in an endearingly dorky yet charming manner and when your female counterpart is feeling sullen, overly contemplative, or even upset with you. Don't forget to hit that infamous high note and work in some retro dance moves.

3. Fix Neurotic Women
Recognize characteristics of neurotic women. These types are your target. Traits include but are not limited to the following:

-Career driven
-Perfectionists/Type A personalities
-Have track record of poor relationships
-Broken hearted
-Overly expressive with emotions
-Unable to express emotions
-Wear pencil skirts
-Eat frozen dinners
-Own pets that are mostly self-sufficient such as fish, cats, and hamsters

Most of these woman are too mentally disturbed to notice such things as a car about to hit them in the middle of a busy intersection. So, it's vital for leading men to fix these women.

How to fix a neurotic lady:
1. Grip your hands on her arms or shoulders when she's in the middle of a full blown emotional breakdown.
2. Gently shake her entire body and describe how her OCD like qualities are what you find irresistible. 
3. Shut her up with a kiss as she'll want to interrupt you with irrational lady thoughts.

4. Remember Dead Plants
Women tend to place large emphasis on insignificant things like that shirt she bought you after brunch or coconut scones from a beloved bed and breakfast.

Take these symbolic tangibles seriously. Wear that shirt and she won't be mad at you for running late. Buy those scones and she won't kill you when she's PMSing.

5. Know Secret and Safe Places
A woman typically has one place in the entire world where she can go and simply feel like herself. These places are often located in areas of high escalation such as secluded rooftops overlooking a city or manicured hill tops. Other secret places include but are not limited to docked boats, aquariums, and art gallery benches in front of very specific paintings.

Know this place. You'll need to surprise her here one day after you two get in a fight and she won't return your calls.

6. Talk With Your Buddies Like Girls Imagine You Would
Frequently discuss your relationship and feelings about the girl you just met. Have these conversations while golfing, working out, hitting balls at a batting cage, or playing poker.

7. Be Sensitive and the same time. 
Poetically profess your feelings, kill unwanted house pests, and have a rock hard six pack you're modest about.

8. Wear Glasses Only 10% of the Time
Two situations in which you should wear glasses:

1. Early in the morning while reading the paper, sipping coffee, and taking a bite out of some toast. 
2. Working late while disheveled over a pile of papers and chinese food containers. Go ahead and roll up your dress shirt sleeves.

You are ready! Go on handsome and find your leading lady. She doesn't know it yet but you are exactly what she's been waiting for. 

Friday, June 8, 2012

Top 5 Misused Trade Show Sayings

I'm an advocate of eCommerce and you can be too! 

Vendors in their natural habitat 

I work in the eCommerce industry (my job is to consult people on how to sell more stuff online and be all around awesome). One of the perks is getting to attend the world's largest conference and exhibit for eCommerce known as Internet Retailer

This year the conference was held in Chicago. I worked our booth in the exhibit hall and mingled with existing clients, newbies looking to learn more about how to sell and succeed online, and other exhibitors who we'd have partnership potential. 

I find interactions with the fellow vendors most fascinating. Exhibitors are trade show regulars who not only repeat annual trade shows but their floor lingo as well. Here are the top five most misused trade show sayings from one vendor to another delivered from me to you. 

1) "That's very interesting." - Chances are you did not find this at all interesting. It's just more polite though than saying, "I have no interest in what it is that you do," or "I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about."

2) "Let's connect." - You don't want to seriously connect. Let's be honest, our businesses don't have a common thread. How can we partner when we wouldn't compliment each other? No, no you're right. Let's connect. 

3) "I'll try to make that event tonight." - No you won't. I understand you mean well but just be honest. You are going out to a restaurant near your hotel and then crawling into bed to catch some 30 Rock before hitting snooze on your mental clock. It's okay! Just be honest. This way I can use your two free drink tickets. 

4) "Where are you staying?" - I ask this one often as well. I'm not entirely sure why. I am not asking if I can come back to your hotel later for a night cap and I sure as hell don't want you sneaking over to my room. 

5) "How was your flight?" - I've never thought much about people flying unless it's me or on the news. Though, at conferences suddenly it's all about detailing flight intel of our peers. What time did you land? When does your flight take off? How long was your flight? I'm not sure what to do with this information once I receive it. It was roughly five and a half hours? You don't say Steve! Well, did you at least get one of those tiny pretzel bags? No? Hm..alright, well this just got awkward...

Sunday, June 3, 2012

Life as we know it.

"Fraiche" is actually the "Belly General Store."

Bud & I at Fraiche, Katherine Heigl's pastry shop in "Life As We Know It."

Dear Bud,

Thank you for being such a wonderful host to Ashley and I while visiting you in HOTlanta. 

This trip was a wonderful reminder of how our friendship has stood the test of time, distance, and the varying paths our lives have taken us. While our lives have moved in different directions and we don't see each other nearly as often, it's nice to wind up in the middle of a moment where we're simply laughing until we cry.